“Changed Back to”

Just about a month ago now, my dog and her friend ran full speed into the side of my leg, fracturing my knee in a couple of places and compressing my shin bone.  Although painful I know it will heal and with modifications I will be able to resume my normal life in a few months.   The leg will heal.  But, I am changed.  Or, perhaps “changed back to”.Fireplace

It is quite maddening for me to be housebound and to rely on others for support.  And yet, boom, just like that I have to get used to both.  Luckily it wasn’t something worse to stop me in my tracks! Sometimes life side-swipes us doesn’t it?  It could be a job loss, an accident, a disease, etc.  We avoid these things, sometimes at all costs.  Its understandable of course.  Why would we want bad things to happen to us?  And yet, it is often in these “stop everything and drop” times that we grow as human beings.

This little side-journey of being housebound and dependent has made me look at some things that I have been avoiding for quite some time.  Its hard to admit it, but I haven’t been authentically myself for so long I nearly forgot who I really am.  Its not that its all been a lie or anything so overt as that.  Its way more subtle.  Below is one example.

We have a huge societal pressure to always be super happy.  I have found this to be equally true when I was immersed in a Christian church and when immersed in the Yoga field.  I truly do understand that we benefit no one (not even ourselves) if we walk around glum and showing our every sad moment in life.  When we project our misery outward, we affect those around us.  That isn’t fair to anyone.  Yet, when we simply deny our sadness or struggle, we can end up feeling like we are fake and not living true.  It can be a challenge to find the proper expression or authenticity.Forest best photo

I definitely feel like I’m “supposed” to be super happy, super together, super healthy ALL the time.  And, if I’m not, then I discredit my Ayurvedic/Yogic experience or my Christian faith.  But, I’m not those things all the time and sometimes I am not those things at all.  The pressure to seem that way has depleted my energy and left me feeling quite bland to be honest.  To be even more honest, I have not enjoyed getting in front of a group of people to teach them yoga.  I don’t think anyone ever thought it of me of course but it feels like as one in that role I’m supposed to be calm, together, all-knowing in some way.  What I have enjoyed though is leading a group of people in the process of their finding some peace, some calm, some knowing in some way.  That I do love.  Deeply love.  I hope I get to do that again.

I still don’t enjoy being housebound and dependent but I do enjoy feeling more like myself lately.  I’m simply not a wow kind person.  It just isn’t my thing to be out there promoting my business and being all super positive about everything being magical and miraculous!  I don’t want to come at marketing with the view that I am a super hero and what I know can alter your life (it can, I can’t).  I don’t want to be a marketing guru or a super bouncy energetic personality – there are those who truly are those things and they should do what they are good at.  I also don’t want to be a teacher.  Teachers sometimes present that they know and you don’t and now you are going to be taught.  Great.  Some people are teachers.  I’m not.

YogaHere is the role I would rather have: servant. I’ve always preferred the role of servant.  Not, you can treat me poorly or think I am less than you, which sadly the term servant can imply.  No.  That won’t fly because I don’t think anyone deserves to be treated badly.  But, rather.  I exist.  I have some knowledge.  Some of that knowledge could potentially encourage you into a new direction and hopefully to a better version of who you presently are.  When I “teach” yoga, I’m not doing it with the view to teach you.  I’m doing it to allow you space to sink deeper into who you are and who you can become.  When I “consult” ayurveda, career or life directions, I am not doing it to tell you what you should do.  I’m doing it to allow you space to sink deeper into who you are and who you can become.  That’s it.

Its a craft that I’ve been honing and will continue to hone.  Its a hope that everyone can have a chance to pause in a healthy way to breathe, relax and rejuvenate.  Step out of the game of life for a minute and regroup before going back in.   That’s what I’m here for.